Murderers' Anonymous
by Wolf Paws
Summary: Take some of the popular killers like Freddy and Jason and add in some not so menacing characters like Captain Jack sparrow and Morpheus and you have M.A. Just a comedy about the poor doctor’s attempts at helping these people. CH 3 UP!
1. Welcome to group therapy

Hey! Yep... I wrote this just for kicks but when my friends read it they urged me to post it…..SO I AM! ^-^ lol well as you can see this is a huge crossover full of randomness! ENJOY!!! **Disclaimer:** Use your mind a little; this is FANfiction meaning I am just a FAN…jeez…

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THE FIRST MEETING OF MURDERS' ANNONYMOUS 

**Doc. Saydee: **Welcome to the first meeting of Murders' Anonymous! This is a completely confidential group offered for the sole reason of allowing you to safely discuss your feelings about your, um…_hobbies_, with people like you. So lets start off with introductions. As you know I'm Doctor Saydee Summers.

**Sam:** Hi, I'm Sam Wulfe and I'm, well, a werewolf *sniggers are heard around the room* Shut up!

**Freddy:** What kind of werewolf actually has the name _Wulfe_?

**Doc Saydee:** Now now, no speaking out of turn. And please keep such improper and rude thoughts to yourself, sir.

**Freddy:** *clicks claws* you know what, Bitch; I can tell I don't like you already.

**Doc Saydee:** right, um, yes…moving on…

**Samara:** Hello, I'm Samara and I like to murder people stupid enough to watch a tape they already have been told kills people.

**Sam:** *raises eyebrows* How rewarding can that be?

**Samara:** *glares*

**Doc Saydee:** Let's keep it moving. Um, how about you, what's your name? 

**Freddy:** *glances up to see her pointing to a guy across the room from him* HA, that's Jason Voorhees. Good luck getting through to him. The only thing in his head is dirty lake water.

**Jason:** *sits there for a few seconds* uh?

**Freddy:** *smirks* Dumb ass

**Jason:** *throws a rock that misses Freddy by three feet*

**Doc Saydee:** Right, well I can sense some tension here. But we'll come back to that. Let's continue.

**Kikyo:** I'm Kikyo. I'm considered the walking dead or, if you prefer, a zombie. I spent my whole life protecting this stupid jewel only to fall in love, be killed for the damn jewel I had to baby-sit, and be utterly betrayed.

**Doc Saydee: **That's it; let it all out.

**Kikyo:** Then when I was brought back to life, I found my traitorous love to be alive after I had killed him. I found out that he wasn't the one who betrayed me but I was still pissed cause he was hanging out with some other chick. So, now I'm going to kill her and then I think I'll drag him to hell.

**Sam:** DAMN!!!

**Freddy:** Whoa, I kinda like this one…

**Samara:** I think you have WAY more issues then me and I got tossed down a fricken well!!! Oh, by the way, would anyone like to watch this tape?

**Jason:** *raises hand*

**Freddy:** Told you…complete moron.

**Sam:** Samara, that's not even worth it.

**Samara:** aww *pouts*

**Doc Saydee:** Keep it going please. 

**Morpheus:** Hi, I'm from the Matrix and well; I only kill when I'm drunk. Which is quite often. Oh yea, and my girlfriend is a saint who had been dipped in molten lead.

**Freddy:** Well that's gotta suck. How do you fu-

**Doc Saydee:** That's quite enough, Freddy! Besides, for all the talking you do you still haven't introduced yourself properly.

**Freddy:** Oh, my bad.  I'm Freddy Krueger, the King of Nightmares! I strike fear into the hearts of teens everywhere, and kill the Elm Street kids in perverse and taunting ways when they are asleep. *Smiles with pride*

**Sam:** I don't think perverse even _begins_ to cover it…

**Freddy:** Shut it, furball.

**Samara:** haha, you can't get me because I never sleep! 

**Kikyo:** *Shoots an arrow that pins Samara to the wall* I'd like to introduce you to a well in my world, sometime…

**Morpheus:** *opens up a beer* you all are kind of crazy.

**Sam:** We're crazy? You're the one with a metal girlfriend!

**Jason:** *picks his nose with a machete* 

**Kikyo:** *watches him* how is he even _capable_ of killing people?

**Freddy:** *sniggers* it took him a while, his Mommy had to do it for him first! Heh heh heh

**Doc Saydee:** Please people, we have one last introduction to make!

**Captain Jack:** I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, and…I'm in the wrong room.

**Freddy:** You look familiar…have I killed you before?

**Sam:** If you're a pirate, don't you have to kill people at some point?

**Samara:** Yea, how good of a pirate are you if you never kill? Oh, and do you wanna watch this tape?

**Capt Jack:** I just like to drink Rum *opens a bottle*

**Morpheus:** Me too! *Opens a bottle himself*

**Doc Saydee:** Now that we all know each other, lets discuss _why_ we kill.

**Morpheus:** Um, I kill cause I'm wasted and I have a gun?

**Capt Jack:** As long as I have my rum…*cradles bottle*

**Sam:** Well, I tend to lose control when I'm fully transformed, resulting in violent outbursts.

**Samara:** Can you three even be considered true murderers?

**Kikyo:** Can you, you creepy little tape girl?

**Samara:** You wanna start something?

**Kikyo:** You're still pinned to the wall.

**Samara:** So…

**Jason:** *drops a knife on his foot but does nothing*

**Freddy:** I kill because, one, I'm damn good at it, and, two, its fuckin fun!

**Kikyo:** I want to kill Kagome because she's annoying and even though it wasn't Inu yasha's fault I died, I like to blame him and would enjoy watching him burn in hell.

**Sam:** *raises eyebrows* I take it you don't like this dude anymore…?

**Freddy:** Does that mean you're available?

**Doc Saydee:** Mr. Krueger, I'd prefer if you kept such things like that out of this room.

**Freddy:** *flexes claws* just one more time, bitch…

**Doc Saydee:** I think we should wrap it up for today! I'll see you all next week!

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Heh, ya I know I was bored. But please review anyway! Thx


	2. The insanity continues!

Well, it seems it was well liked for something that was never meant to be read by another living soul…so I'll post the rest! ^-^ Enjoy, and remember, Freddy is the best! (Oooo man he is way to awesome 3)

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The Second Meeting of Murderers' Anonymous 

**Doc Saydee:** Welcome back, everyone! I hope you all had a nice weekend.

**Freddy:** Oh, I did, took out three more dumb teens. Heh heh heh

**Doc Saydee:** *flat look* I can see you've made little improvement.

*Morpheus stumbles in clumsily*

**Morpheus:** Oh man, I am still feeling that last whisky…

**Samara:** Lousy drunk…

**Freddy and Kikyo:** Stupid Bitch.

**Sam:** Whoa, that was _beyond_ creepy.

**Doc Saydee:** Ok, lets go around the room and talk about our weekends. Mr. Wulfe, let's start with you.

**Sam:** Well, er…it was a full moon and I sorta lost it and shredded some teenage punks…

**Freddy:** Yea, go furball! *Slaps him on the back with his clawed hand*

**Sam:** Oww…I think I'm bleeding…

**Samara:** That kill doesn't even count; he didn't mean to do it!

**Kikyo:** Oh, and how many people have _you_ killed, this weekend?

**Samara:** Probably way more then you.

**Kikyo:** Well I had a good weekend. Stole back a nice hunk of the jewel _and_ scared the shit out of Kagome. ^-^ Plus I managed to collect five more souls.

**Freddy: **Hey, you collect souls, too?

**Sam:** You guys are just being creepy today…

**Samara:** And they aren't every day?

**Kikyo:** *nails her with another arrow* 

**Doc Saydee:** Can't we stay on subject, people? Captain Jack, you've been quiet, tell I us about your weekend.

**Capt Jack:** Well; I stole seven gallons of rum, got drunk, went to some cabin, dot drunk, waited until ten o'clock (whilst getting drunk) and then watched some bloody video. But now I keep getting these bloody phone calls! Something about seven days…

**Samara:** *smug look*

**Sam:** You are _pathetic_. He was DRUNK for crying out loud!

**Samara:** *sticks out tongue*

*Jason staggers in. He's covered in arrows and four-lined slash marks*

**Doc Saydee:** Goodness Mr. Voorhees! What in the world happened to you?!

**Kikyo and Freddy:** *whistle innocently*

**Sam:** *flat look* Seems like he overslept to me.

**Samara:** Aren't you the comedian.

**Jason:** *shrugs* *takes seat*

**Doc Saydee: **hmm…anyway, lets continue.

*Morpheus opens a bottle of Bacardi*

**Doc Saydee:** Please, Mr. Morpheus, not here!

**Capt Jack:** *snags bottle* Hey, I'm not supposed to be here anyway. *Drinks it*

**Morpheus:** HEY! *Gets out his futuristic gun*

**Capt Jack:** *finishes the bottle, then takes out his own pistol*

**Freddy:** I got ten bucks on the pirate.

**Doc Saydee:** No, No, NO! There will be no shooting or betting in this room!

**Everyone:** Awwwwww.

**Freddy:** *clicks claws* you're pushing it, bitch.

**Doc Saydee:** All right, I'll see you all next week!

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So…how was it? Please Review! If I get good news I'll write up some more. ^-^


	3. The 'Bring a Friend' Session!

I did it! I finally updated! Sorry for the wait but I've been swamped! Plus my Internet access is very limited now a days in terms of posting stuff that is saved here on my laptop -_- ANYWAYS! Please read and don't forget to review! ENJOY!

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The Third Meeting of Murderer's Anonymous

**Doc Saydee**: Welcome back! As you all were informed, this is the special 'bring a friend session. So if we could all introduce our friends, that would be wonderful!

**Morpheus**: Hey, this is my comrade, Neo. He's "the one".

**Neo**: *waves a little* hi.

**Samara**: "The one"? The one what? The gay one? The stupid one? The one who-

**Neo**: The one who's gonna kick your ass if you don't can it. *mutters* creepy tape girl…

-Morpheus and Neo open beers and sit back down-

**Doc** **Saydee**: *sigh* What did I tell you about drinking? Alcohol is your main problem! Anywho, who is your guest, Captain Jack?

**Capt** **Jack**: I brought my very best mate in the whole seven seas! *points to Will, who is holding a large bottle* RUM!!!

**Will**: Jack! I thought I was your friend!

**Capt** **Jack**: Nope, you're just there to carry the rum! ^-^

**Will**: *sulks*

**Samara**: Your 'friend' is an inanimate object… 

-Neo and Morpheus have to restrain Jack who is about to kill Samara-

**Kikyo**: I brought a friend! This is Kagura.

**Kagura**: Yes, I'm Kagura the wind witch! *bows* I guess it's nice to meet you…

**Freddy**: Whoa, _another_ hot evil bitch? Maybe the priestess and you can come with me and my pal here and…

**Doc Saydee**: There will be no setting up double dates in this room! Please, as I have told you before Mr. Krueger, keep that out! 

**Freddy**: I've warned you before, bitch *click click* 

-he starts towards her but Neo and Morpheus hold him back-

**Sam**: OK, we know the priestess here is a vengeful zombie, what are you?

**Kagura**: Well I'm the incarnation of a-

**Samara**: You're a flower?

**Kikyo**: *nails her with an arrow* Just shut up.

**Kagura**: As I was saying, I'm the INcarnation of an evil demon lord. I kill using an enchanted fan to manipulate the wind, pretty classy huh? In fact I once slaughtered a whole pack of filthy wolf demons.

Sam: You did WHAT?

-Morpheus and Neo drop Freddy to hold back Sam-

**Samara**: *turns to Freddy whose friend is helping him up* Who's that?

**Freddy**: Oh, this is Mike. Michael Meyers. We shoot pool on the weekends and I give him murder tips. *smirk*

**Mike**: *waves awkwardly*

**Sam**: *gets Neo and Morpheus off of him* So, does he talk…?

**Freddy**: Well, no…he doesn't really have to. He's got kick ass theme music…

-Halloween music suddenly plays in background-

**Everyone**: Yea, good point…*nods*

**Doc** **Saydee**: OK OK, enough nonsense, now. You all have such a tendency to get sidetracked. Anywho, Samara, who did you bring?

**Samara**: *looks down* I musta missed the memo…

**Doc** **Saydee**: But I left you six messages.

**Samara**: …uh, my answering machine is broken…

**Sam**: How can that be? You make the phone work for you _all _the time.

**Samara**: IT JUST IS!!!

-Everyone is quiet-

**Freddy**: You don't have any friends, do you?

**Samara**: SHUT UP! *starts towards him*

-Morpheus and Neo go to restrain her but she's pelted with five arrows and stuck to the wall-

**Morpheus** **and** **Neo**: Oh, dammit…we liked restraining people…

**Kikyo**: *smiles*

**Doc** **Saydee**: Well…um, Mr. Voorhees, did you bring a friend?

**Jason**: uh…*looks around* *scratches head then looks as though he may actually have an idea* *he proceeds to stick his hand under his mask and pull a worm from his nose*

**Samara**: EEEEEEEEEWWWWWW!

**Kikyo**: um…_that's_ your friend…?

-Suddenly the worm jumps from his hand and starts dancing on the floor-

-Everyone's jaws drop as they blink blankly; except for Jason who is smiling to himself and nodding to a beat no one else can hear-

-The worm finishes, takes a bow, and leaves-

**Sam**: That wasn't natural…

**Samara**: Are you sure that's lake water in his head, or toxic waste?

**Doc** **Saydee**: Well, Jason, that was…erm, interesting…uh, Sam! Who is your guest?  

**Sam**: This is my little buddy, Cujo! Say hi Cujo!

**Cujo**: grrr…

**Samara**: You brought a dog?

**Sam**: I've always been a dog person. Besides, at least I _brought_ a friend.

**Samara**: Shut up, dogface. If I wasn't stuck to this wall I'd-

**Sam**: Cujo, sic her.

**Cujo**: RUFF! *runs over and pulls Samara off the wall by her leg. Arrows fly everywhere as she's thrashed*

**Kikyo**: This is amusing ^-^

**Freddy**: All I need is some popcorn.

**Sam**: Good boy Cujo! *baby voice* Who's a good rabid St. Bernard? You are, yes you are! *he pets Cujo who is happily holding Samara's leg in his jaws*

**Samara**: AHHH! Gimme my leg back, you god forsaken mutt!

**Sam**: Go ahead buddy!

**Cujo**: *drops her disconnected leg and happily pulls her out of the room by her other one*

**Doc** **Saydee**: Sam! How dare you allow your friend to do that to poor Samara!

**Freddy**: Fuck, just let'em. It's damn hilarious. Her only good use is as a chew toy, anyway.

**Doc** **Saydee**: You're missing the point, Mr. Krueger.

**Freddy**: I'll show you a point, how bout four of them *click click click click*

-Everyone looks to Neo and Morpheus to restrain him but Morpheus is drinking Rum from a huge bottle-

**Capt** **Jack**: NOOOO!!! MY RUM!!! AHHHH! That's it! You are going DOWN!

**Morpheus**: *finishes, burps, and throws the bottle behind him. Instead of smashing on the floor it hits Will* I couldn't help it…

**Capt** **Jack**: *draws his sword* I will NEVER forgive you for this!

**Morpheus**: *pulls out a Japanese katana* bring it on!

**Freddy**: Woo! I still got ten bucks on the pirate! 

**Sam**: I'll challenge that; I'll put twenty on the trenchie!

**Doc** **Saydee**: NO!!! No drinking, fighting, or betting IN THIS ROOM! *Everyone freezes in mid-action to look at her. Then Cujo drags a screaming Samara past in the background* And will someone PLEASE take care of that dog?!

-Everyone is silent for a moment-

Everyone: No.

Doc Saydee: Fine. I'll see you all next week.

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So, still good? Let me know. I'll try to think up a gimmick for the next one ^-^


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